Testimony - Antony Solomon

1. Significant memories

Coming into the house with a cap on, and my mother telling me to take it off, hats aren't worn indoors. Why? I thought.

Why? was to stay with me a long time.

Religious education at school, I was about 13. I had tried to picture God as the teacher had described him. Literally picture, on paper. "God doesn't look like that; you can't grasp him like that."

Ok, thought I. My atheism is dated from that point in my mind.

2. Significant events

Last year of school; last term. I had finished all my course work, and wanted something to read. The teacher gave me a book of short stories - science fiction, by authors I would later recognise as "Greats". A whole new world opened before me, previously unsuspected outside of Star Trek and Dr. Who.

Later, following leads on various things, particularly something Harlan Ellison had written, I discovered the books of Ayn Rand. The world just got bigger, and I took to philosophy like a duck to water. My atheism became more decided.

3. Significant living

I broadened my reading and thinking to include everything from Aristotle to Robert Anton Wilson. Religion was easily disposed of, as were the few vocal Christians who came my way. I had a poem printed in Libertarian Chronicle; linked up with various Libertarian organisations; and made some important contributions to a project ongoing in the eighties called MetaInformation Network.

In the late eighties I found "A Course in Miracles." A Course in Miracles is a new age teaching dressed up in Chrstian garb; it originates with a Christian Scientist, although I did not know that originally. It led to a brief dalliance with a Pentecostal church (because it was the only one I knew apart from Anglican and Catholic churches, and I had worked with someone from there several years before) for a few months, but I realised they weren't the same thing.

4. Significant problems

My friend who followed ACIM was immoral; it made no effect on his life. Others were not interested at all; why not, if it was the way things are?

Nietzsche led to nihilism, which led to depression, which led to a determined effort to "go my own way".

Lured by my style
You seek to follow after me
Go and do as you will
And thus you follow me

5. Significant event

In late 1989 I began a project, writing a SF novel as a medium for my "philosophy of life". I would put my all into it, write my own "Atlas Shrugged." In early 1990, with over 30,000 words committed to paper I hit a snag. I really wanted it to be believable to others, not just a solipsist's indulgence. I had read enough SF to "recognise" man-made ideas, so pursued the thought of what made a philosophy or religion believable.

To cut a long story short, it came down to Christ on the Cross. All other religions could be explained under terms of man-made control, fear, etc. But this?

More importantly, I was struck by the thought, that if I knew what was needed to be known about the way things are, then Christ on the Cross need not have happened in my world. My own view of the world left no room for such an event as Christ's death - something beyond a mere martyrdom - it was unnecessary. He should have skipped town. My world view was that God did not exist; I followed Nietzsche in believing that we should each strive to enlarge or control of the world around us. Mohammed understandably fought for his beliefs; Buddha retired from public life, and exerted control that way; Moses ran a nation for a while. Jesus went to the cross; the importance of this act amounts to more than his teaching as an ethical principle. That action, for me, pointed to something about the way the universe ran, something more than I knew of from all my study and thought.

At this point I became aware that I was being confronted with something beyond myself; something which cut to the core of things. Christ knew more than I did; Christ knew something important which I did not know, and it was worth dying on the cross for it.

Then God came in.

I had rejected all the "proofs of God's existence" - they did not convince me. But this did. I was awake, aware, not under the influence of anything but a line of thought. Yet I knew God was there, and it was not comfortable.

I knew I was wrong; had been wrong, was wrong; not only in what I believe, but in myself. And that wrongness was connected with Christ on the Cross.

I also knew I was presented with two ways: God's way - whatever that meant, I had no idea then; or my way - the wrong way, and I would be a hypocrite for the rest of my life.

God painted me into a corner, and I was, as with C. S. Lewis, a reluctant convert.

Within a couple of days, my landlady's friend had asked out of the blue, in a gathering of friends - "Anyone want to go to church on Sunday?" I did!! I had no idea where to go - not the Pentecostal church, anyway. This seemed to be the signal.

6. Significant conclusion

By the grace of God, I am what I am, but not what I would be, not yet. I now preach his Gospel, minister to a church, and seek to follow him more closely. I am overwhelmingly grateful to God for the way he dealt with me - evangelists would have put me off. He did it himself.

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